Reflecting Bridgerton From Real Life Experience
Of love, loving a broken man, and what marriage and love entails
Just this evening, I have finally finished the Bridgerton series currently trending on Netflix. I took it to a good watch in ending my 2020 as I am a big fan of Jane Austen and all the classical romance period dramas. Bridgerton, so I see, is a good attempt of doing the Gossip Girls period drama style, with a bit of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.
Although the whole of the series is a good attempt at blending a classic period drama with more modern videography, the discourse on marriage and love remains a classical one. Despite the diverse actors and actresses, the cast were able to maintain the spirit of a period drama — with its posh accent, the dress, the style, and everything really. Everything was authentic yet diverse.
However, I find the Bridgerton series rather personal to me. Some of the issues faced by Daphne in dealing with Simon, the personality of Simon himself, and how women in the series were taught about love and marriage seemingly feels deeply personal to me that I find it pertinent to start writing about it.
Women Are Not Brought Up To Be Married
I remember when Daphne started to be courted by men of different hierarchies and her own brother got in the way of the courting process. Daphne said how all these while she was brought up to be married to someone. That was probably true in the 18th century. However, today more than ever, women should not think marriage as the only security to a good life. A good and stable job is part of security. Financial independence is. A good education is.
Unfortunately marriage is not the solution to everything. I have always bear in mind that I won’t probably stay in an unhappy marriage just because it is expected that a marriage should last forever. The taboo painted on divorcee as a failure is also not right. Some marriages are fulfilling, most aren’t.
If there is one thing I am going to teach my future children is the fact that marriage and love is not the key to a happy life. I’ve probably seen many women who settled into a marriage by betraying themselves to be in the service of entitled men. I’ve seen how women settled for less for men who do bare minimum. I’ve understood by now how we set the bar so low for men in relationships, that men make huge fuss out of just doing something.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
Love Is Not The Key To Happiness and Long-Term Relationships
An 18th century period dramas may have taught us that marriage is only rather political and a matter of convenience, rather than of true love. Love don’t make a marriage to last, neither would love ensures the success of courting that could take it to marriage.
What I believe makes a long-lasting relationship is mutual respect, mutual reciprocation, honesty, trust and open communication to make a relationship work.
A Man Is Not Your Project
I looked at Daphne and how her mother gave her advice to stay in the marriage with Simon, whom inadvertently proven to have been emotionally unavailable and unable to meet her emotional needs. Simon is an epitome of an avoidant-attached man who could not give emotional intimacy that Daphne needs, aside from sexual relations. I know myself how difficult it was to be next to a man yet the depth of intimacy is just so low and almost platonic despite dating(or rather dated by now) the man whom I truly loved. I should not set the bar for my intimacy low, rather, he should be the one to stand up and level up to my standard.
Daphne’s mother is a product of patriarchy and how women were taught to be patient, be loving more, and hope that the man can turn his head around to realize that the women he has is the prize. Women are taught about pain as an equivalent of love. Women are taught to stay in an unhappy marriage. Women are taught to give, give and give, hoping that somehow her love will change the man.
Sis, I have been there. Loving and staying for a man who won’t change for me. I have been a victim of a patriarchy myself. I was taught that women should be selfless and men should be selfish. I was taught to put his needs before mine that eventually, I lost myself and I was left empty. Ordinarily, what happened in Bridgerton is not the case in real life.
Women have been taught to communicate to men that whatever he did is hurting you. However, none of such communication actually works. He sees, he knows, he really does. But he choose to ignore. No women can teach a man to make him understand that what he did hurts women, except his own mother and father. If he ain’t recognising what he did to you is wrong and hurting you, don’t communicate and just leave. If he really is your equal partner and a grown up, you should not be treating a man like your son by changing his attitude. He’s a grown up, sis. You’re not his mom either.
A man is not your project. Either he comes right, or he does not come at all. Either you realize he does not meet your needs and you leave, or you can stay but never hope that your love and your attractiveness can change him, because he wouldn’t.
Be Wary Of Men Who Are Broken
Simon is a perfect character of a broken man. He has had a terrible childhood, an absent mother and father, a father who taught him that his inability to speak when he was younger made him not worthy of love, and he was terribly resentful of his own father that he promised to never have children to end the Hastings blood line. He did it despite marrying a woman who dreamt to have a children and a family of her own. He was deeply selfish and revengeful. Daphne had to convince her that no matter how broken he is, no matter how he thinks he is unworthy of love, he can still choose to love and be happy.
This is such an ultimate shit show of the story. No women, not even the beautiful Daphne should convince a broken man that he deserves a family and to be loved. Again, this period drama is deeply affected by patriarchy that a woman is expected to stay and convince a man he’s worthy of love. In real life, this is not going to happen. A man can’t just change his mind overnight for even the most beautiful woman in the world. I have been there myself. Loving a broken man that I felt pity and empathetic for, that today, I realized my pity was based on lies upon lies.
I can’t make a broken man to love me the way I loved him.
What I can do is to leave for someone who can love me the same way I love him. What I can do is to love someone who can meet my needs in a relationship. We shouldn’t fall in the ideas of a person, rather, look at the person and see if he can fulfill your needs. If he doesn’t, someone else can and will.
Conclusion
It is ironic how upon breaking the series into parts and unlearning the subconscious effect of patriarchy that has subsided in movies, dramas and songs have affected our relationships between women and men.
Unfortunately, we have to unlearn all of it and plant the seed of doubt to have a healthier relationship with our partner. It took me to become a victim myself in an unhealthy and toxic to realize how patriarchy is so subtle yet so real and it’s often taught via arts and culture.
