5 Things I Learn From My Previous Unhealthy Relationship
- If it feels exhausting, then the relationship is probably not right for you.
It took me a long time to realize I was exhausted despite being with someone else. The peaceful mind went missing, and my body gave all the signs I ignored for the sake of loving and staying for someone I loved.
A relationship is only exhausting when you put too much effort in it, while the other side is not doing the equal effort to maintain the relationship. It is exhausting when it is one-sided, and you are giving more than receiving.
A relationship should not be transactional. However, there has to be a healthy amount of giving and taking. When the other party is staying in a relationship but eating all the cake to themselves, that left the other party with an empty jar of love and reciprocation.
2. If it is emotionally draining, that means you are doing emotional labor by yourself.
Being emotionally draining is undoubtedly going to affect your physical well-being. I remember how my fitness energy has improved tremendously when I left my unhealthy relationship — and I realized this is not a coincidence.
My sleeping quality is surprisingly better. My skin is glowing and healthy.I no longer had to play every conversation or drama that I had with my ex just to second guess if any of my words and actions would hurt him.
Looking back, I realized how I was doing all the emotional labor by myself. But this type of labor often goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Women are often expected to do the emotional labor as women are more emotionally mature and able to do so.
But this only reflect my ex’s emotional unavailability and inability to be at the same level of emotional capability with me. If you are not on the same page and compatible emotionally, there will be a time when enough is enough and you have to leave the relationship to be with someone who deserves you and would reciprocate the emotions just the same way.
3. If it does not serve to your well-being, then it is probably not worth it.
A partner should add value to your life. A partner should add to your already whole and complete life. What if it does not add value to your life? What if it becomes a liability to your life and your well-being?
Then, there is no point of being with this person. As much as this is difficult to believe, a partner should bring out the best in you, not the worst in you. Your partner should make your life easy and better, not the other way round.
Examine your relationship and check if you are indeed in a healthy relationship or are you stucked with someone toxic that you keep on justifying his/her actions? Are you submitting yourself to the bare minimum just to keep the mediocre relationship going?
I hate to tell you this — but you are better off single or someone new who knows how to make you feel special and treat you well.
4. Singledom is better than an unhealthy relationship
I know it is hard to let go a toxic relationship, but I am here to remind you that the grass is always greener on the other side. Being with someone in an unhealthy relationship will be detrimental to your health and your well-being, so you might as well revert the energy to something that you like doing.
When I left my relationship, I focused on writing, fitness and learning muay thai and it feels more fulfilling than being with someone.
A relationship is only worth it when it is healthy and serving you to your good. Singledom is not a bad deal, however the society has been telling you that two is better than one.
5. Your romantic relationship reveals your childhood trauma and your inner issues
Your romantic relationship will reveal more about you than you would have ever thought. It reveals about how you handle your anger, how you handle your conflict and your fear of abandonment or fear of intimacy. The deeper the depth of love, the deeper the relationship will teach you about yourself.
Letting go a relationship should mean a good thing for you and your ex — as you work on yourself and do all the healing from your trauma. It is a time to unlearn about relationships you may have unconsciously learnt from your parents or TV and music. Growing up in a dysfunctional family may have taught you about how an unhealthy relationship looks like, and you probably have mistaken that for a healthy relationship as you adopt the model to your own.
Conclusion
Unlearning and re-learning is part of the process of growing up and adulting. A healthy relationship is a result of two healthy people deciding to grow together in the work and self-development project. A relationship will become toxic when one party keeps justifying their toxicity without willingness to do something about it — and unfortunately that will never lead to a healthy relationship. It took me some time to let go, but one day you will realize that in hindsight — you are worthy to be loved and love the same.
